angiereedgarner (angiereedgarner) wrote in bodychallenge05,

"What's my motivation?"

Don't answer that question for me! Just sharing where I am...

Basically, I did great over the holidays if I don't mind not having lost an ounce. I weigh what I did right before Thanksgiving, and while my weight bounced around since then, it was a five-pound bounce range. I didn't put on anything I now have to struggle to lose... compared to past years, this is an enormous triumph.

Basically the way I eat is forgiving of "splurges" and great for maintenance. Huzzah. But I still have some weight to unload. Which means tightening back down again... I am enjoying where I am and NOT feeling the kind of self-intolerance around food and weight as I've felt in the past. I think this is a good thing, but it also seems kinda fragile, like I don't want to mess with it by getting all rigid. I need another way to go at weight loss... this is my question to myself re motivation.

I read somewhere that every slip on food is a truth not told. Aside from minor recreational enjoyments anyway-- the kinds of eating where you know you are going against your best interests, not just enjoying some foodie conviviality. These kinds of binges are lived lies.

I did a good job telling the truth through the holidays and I think that more than anything minimized the monster indulgences. There were some but I can count them on one hand, and this kind of eating wasn't "normal".

Most of the truths were pretty basic-- "I don't like being here." "I'm stressed and uncomfortable." "This person is crossing my lines." "I am tired of taking care of other people right now." etc. etc. I can see why social eating has been a food trigger for me for forever-- it is in situations around people where these kinds of truths come up and challenge me to find some constructive way to admit them.

Somehow related-- I did a major New Year purge of my closet, and I organized what was left. I have always had three different size wardrobes, and it has made for a monstrous mess and a lot of stress getting dressed in the morning (or evening)... I had to remember what fit what size, and I had to find it.

I got rid of Ten Bags of clothing-- I ditched everything that was too big or I didn't like it any more (bad memories, tastes changed etc.) and sorted the rest by size-- the too-smalls hang in the closet to the far left (the most inaccessible part of my closet) and then the clothes get bigger as I move to the right. At the far right of the closet, right in front of me as I stand there looking in, hangs all the stuff that I had better wear/wear out now, or someone else will get to wear it because it is nearly too big-- five more pounds off and it will be too baggy.

I learned that I was (unconsciously) collecting clothes and most of those ten bags of stuff I had been keeping as memorabilia... I decided "I don't collect clothes." and that was my mantra as I sorted things... it really helped.

There are some things I do collect, but I don't WANT to collect clothes and shoes. I want to have fun stuff to wear, and I want to wear it and be fabulous, and I want to WEAR IT OUT and when it wears out I want to throw it away and replace it with MORE fabulousness. I had bags of half-worn out former sort-of fabulousness, some with really icky memories attached, and it was so dragging me down! Now all gone. :-)
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